Last 6 months of indie recap
Last year I got totally burned out from work. At the time, I just didn't have any power to even talk to people and do home chores. And then, I left my work. For two months, I just didn't do anything. Not even watching movies or playing games, just feeling miserable all day long. Thinking, how I ended up here. I've started some psychiatry and psychology treatment. I analyzed every thought, began journaling. Thinking about everything, I was grateful. And it helps a bit.
A little bit earlier, a side project was formed, that later will be known as Crazy Cats vs Crazy Cyborgs (buy it on Xbox, I will get some cents from that xdd). It was another (like tenth) attempt to form game development team and start living off that. There was Alex, game designer and artist, and me, doing everything else. Eventually, we even found a small publisher, who agreed to buy out our game.
After some rest, I was thinking "I can make my dreams come true and start making games" and picked back up side project. Oh boy... It felt like I was learning to walk again. Everything was feeling out of place. I've forced myself to work every 5 minutes. I was thinking, that working on personal project sensing the same, as other guy job. I didn't feel any creative spark. But, little by little, five minutes of work turned into ten, then into thirty, eventually into a hour, and then, I found myself feeling less bad about myself. Even inspired a little bit. I began to catch up some good things. I started to see others peoples work, there was a lot of talented people outside our social circle. I've picked up old hobbies, I've tried to draw and make music again. I was creating new projects ideas. And it feels great. I was feeling, that I can make the impossible.
Cat and some flowers, I've planted as my new relaxing hobby
But, after some time, money runs out. I was feeling too good, to let it slide, and start making debts. My decisions started to be more money oriented. Instead of "we can make it better", I've said "we should drop that feature and release faster". We've rushed one game, and then started the other, that later will take title "Frame Cat". It started to feel just as before. But still, I was having fun. I've written some music, coded some cool mechanics, written some game ideas for later. I've posted some screenshots on reddit and chatting with people (I'm huge introvert btw).
And other cat
But eventually, my debt crosses $10k mark. We can make games, we can even publish them, but we can't get our earnings for now, due to some political issues. And even if we can, it is not sustainable. We need to market somehow. Hire some people, who won't work for free. We take way too much time, to create a game, because we love games, and want to make them better. But for average 3 months game, team of two spend just on life, eat, and basic needs around $1000 per member. And we have families, too. For last 6 months, I've got $1000 in advance payments. Other part will be payed out in October, due to the same political issues. Maybe we can finish another game, what will get us another $1000 per member, but it is just too low... We've working basically for free, and even then, I'm thinking, that we have better conditions, than like 50% of other indie developers, who going indie and publish themselves, market games themselves, or doesn't have the connections.
I'm still love games, and I will make more of them, but current situation is depressing. I'm looking for work, but there are troubles, too. The existential dread is back again. I found myself asking "why i'm living, and what should i do". But I'm grateful for that creative spark. It is pretty cool journey, and it is not ended yet. I willing to try again and again. I will change my reaction to events and critique, I will try to be a better partner, I will try to make games faster, and teach other people how to do it. I know, that some people will support me, regardless of my success. I just don't want to be a burden for anyone.
